H E A L I N G T O R E C I E V E
March 17, 2011
The following evolves around God's hand in my life as He and I deal with the addiction of tobacco. To start, I would like to take the time to share a little history of this issue. For I would not desire anyone to think for a second that the battle with which I am facing is the the 'norm'. I would have all to know that The Lord God, Jesus Christ was indeed faithful to deliver me, after some struggle; from tobacco addiction when I was yet a babe in Christ. It is only because I turned from His given deliverance and grace that I am where I am to this day.
What I mean, is that He has delivered me from tobacco addiction Two other times. The first time being when I was a babe in Christ. Only a few weeks old in Him, I soon became convicted of the sin of smoking cigarettes ( I.E. destroying God's temple and not trusting in Him, but rather the cigarettes; to bring me peace), and I began my journey toward freedom.
For weeks I struggled with cigarettes. Praying, fasting, giving them away-only to buy more; I even tried 'hot-boxing' them and then taking what was left of the cigarette and chewing it up until I could not stand the taste of all that pure nicotine, then swallowing the juice. My thought was that if I could get sick and vomit due to the repulsive taste, that I would not desire cigarettes . Then I could put them down forever. Oh how silly we can be!
Having done all that I could think of to quit, I did what was my classic response toward every thing that did not go the way I had planned or wanted: I pouted; threw myself on my knees and said:” Father, I have done all that I can do to quit and I can't do it! So, if you want me to quit, then You're going to have to take it from me. Because I tried and I have failed!”
With that, I flopped down on the bed and fell asleep. When I woke up, I went about my normal business. Reading my Bible and writing things down as I received them. And whatever else prisoners do. Yes, I was incarcerated at the time. As a matter of fact, I was Born-Again in jail; on March 17, 1988 to be exact. That is, with the exception of smoking. I was not smoking. The only thing is, is that I did not realize that I had not smoked a cigarette in over 3 days. Nor did I desire one.
So I testify today, that God not only delivered me from that addiction already, but He did so in the same fashion that He had done to Adam when He removed his rib and created Eve. He put me to sleep. And He had delivered me another time as well. But I wont get into that, as I trust that you get the jest of where I am going with this: God is faithful. And nothing is too small for Him. There is also no length which He will not go, short of sinning; to help His children. Which is also evident in the giving of His Son, The LORD, Jesus Christ to go to that cross on the hill of Golgotha, and take the punishment of our sin upon Himself, so that we could have have life; and that more abundantly!
As a matter of fact the Bible says:” He that spared not His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things.” (
Romans 8:32kjv) So it should not be misunderstood that the battle that I am having with this addiction has any thing to do with God's grace. He was faithful. I was not. In my folly, I turned from His deliverance. And now, here today, I am facing an even harder struggle to be free from tobacco/nicotine addiction.
However, God is merciful and His plans for us are for good, not evil. And even in this struggle ,He is working out a far greater plan of salvation for me.
Let me explain. The short version would be that I have been struggling with over-coming my past. The years prior to my being Born-Again. And again, I have also been struggling with over-coming the guilt I have for held onto for having turned away from Him so many years ago. Not intentionally, mind you. It just kinda happened. More on that at some other point. So, here we are today; kinda full circle from when I was first delivered from such addiction. The only difference is that I am doing so with a guilt laden heart ready to be freed so that I can receive God's grace. As well as a heart that is acknowledging its need for Him.
As I wrote that last sentence I was taken back to a period of time when I had written a Pastor a very heated letter regarding his part in leading me to The Christ; my Lord, God, and Saviour; Jesus of Nazareth! And I am led to share this with you.
When I was saved, I had absolutely no knowledge or understanding of what it meant to be a christian. I did not even know that I was considered a christian until I read it in the Bible (
Acts 11:26; 26:28; 1Pt. 4:16). I just thought that I was forgiven of my sin and accepted by God. Nothing more. Nothing less. So you can imagine my frustration when He started working in my life and convicting me when I sinned; or led me to pray for the lost and broken-hearted; even the guards were not spared my undignified prayers for God's mercy on their lives. It was so hard for me to grasp that being a christian meant this much involvement in the lives of others. Even those whom I despised; like Cops and Blacks. And to top it all off, I had to change the way I lived too? Well this was just too much. There was no way that I could go through with it. And as far as I was concerned, it wasn't fair that I should be expected to do so, either. After all; I didn't know what I was getting into. So how could I be held accountable?
This is the very same attitude that I presented to a Pastor in a letter that I wrote to him. He had come to preach God's word when I was in another County Jail , and had given a sermon on Saints'; after it was over , he closed shaking everyone's hand and saying: “God Bless you!” to each man present. But with The Lord as my witness, I am the only one that he said:” God bless you, Saint!” to. A statement that mortified me to the very core of my being and caused me to leave that room as fast as I could. I'm not joking either. I only went to get the cookies and coffee. But when he said that to me, I was physically shaken, literally, to the very core of my being. And if I could have ran out of there, I would have.
You may be wondering how that applies to this subject, and here's how it applies. In that period of my life, I was a newborn. Only a few months old in Christ. I was soaking the Word of God up like a sponge. I was blindly accepting His word. I doubted nothing. I was fresh and ripe for the picking, so to speak. If God's word said it, I did it-without question. Then, I did not know what I was getting myself into. As mentioned above. Intercessory prayers for the lost? Prayers for healing of physical and demonic oppression? Personal sacrifice? Continual regret for having sinned 'yet again' with my temper or my language?It was always 'something' with me. I didn't have a clue that Christians did all this 'stuff'. But I did feel as though I was led into some thing that had unfair expectations of me. And I did get angry about it.
So, as I sit here today; writing this out, I am seeing that, in a way I have come full circle from that point in time to now. Meaning that 'then'; I was ignorant and had become angry at what God was leading me to do. But does not the Bible mention that He is willing for us to taste and see if He is not gracious? (
1Peter 2:3) Or how about when He encourages us to prove Him and His promise to pour out a blessing upon us that cannot be contained, if we would just give Him a Tenth of all our increase? (
Malachi 3:10) I take all this to mean that, He is saying to me now:” Steven, in times past, you cursed my prophets. What say you now? Will you serve me with a willing heart? A heart and mind knowledgeable of My ways? Has not My grace been sufficient? Have you lacked any good thing? Will you now curse Me for having loved you called you out of your tomb, or will you serve me? What will you do this day?!?”
My response is:” Unto thee O Lord, do I lift up my soul as a free will offering. I offer unto You, my very life. Which in truth, is not mine, but thine O Lord. For You gave me life through the death of Your Son, Jesus Christ. And the life which I now live, I live not unto myself but unto Thee O Lord. The life which I now live, I live by the faith of Your Son~even Jesus Christ, my LORD, GOD, and SAVIOUR. “Every essence of my being and my very existence would not be if it were not for Thee. You alone are God. You alone are my God. How could I refuse You Father, when Your love is such that You would selflessly give Your all for the likes of me? Father, Your love compels me to the cross, and by Your grace, that cross I will bare. I ask for Your forgiveness for ever having cursed Your prophets and You; and now confess that Your ways are higher than mine; Your thoughts are higher than mine. You are Sovereign, and unto Thee, The only True and Living God do I put my trust! “Amen!”
Steven Carl Owensby
I would have you understand that this was not written with any fore-thought of you; it was quite an impromptu moment in time that The Lord would have me share with you. I trust that you will receive this with an understanding heart, and rejoice with me as I praise The Lord for His mercy. For He indeed is The God of all comfort; The Father of mercies! (
2Corinthians 1:3)
I believe that He allowed me to share this moment with you, to place emphasis on that which I am about to write. For indeed it does place deep emphasis on the fact that I have been struggling with my relationship with The Father due to my rebellion for over a decade. I have been so grieved in the searching of His forgiveness. But was never able to quite grasp it. It was just out of reach, and I could not understand why.
Today, I have come to a place in my life where God could meet me and heal many areas of my heart that had been heavy laden with sin. Sins of the past as well as the present. And I believe that I am only here today because once again I sent out an “SOS” text message to all the godly people in my life. And in this text I confessed that The Lord had revealed to me that I had allowed cigarettes to become an idol in my life; that I was worshiping them. Allowing them to keep me from giving myself wholly unto The Lord Jesus Christ. I felt as though they were hindering me from going any further in my faith, and it grieved me so deeply that I had no choice but to cry out to my brothers and sisters in Christ according to
James 5:16 (“ Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”)
This morning, while doing my daily devotionals, I wanted to read
1 Corinthians 10:13 and meditate on it, because I had not been too faithful in resisting the temptation to smoke. I wanted to get a deeper understanding of how The Father “..makes a way to escape that I may be able to bear it.” All that came to me was
1 Peter 5:6-7 :” Humble yourself therefore under the Mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time. Casting all your cares upon Him; for He cares for you.”
However, it soon became evident that He had much more in store for me than I had thought. As usual, He led me to read the verses before and after my main subject (IE,
1Corinthians 10:13), and meditate on them. Well, at first I focused on verses 14-22, and verse 21 gripped my heart, as I understand the “cup” of The Lord to refer to His calling and anointing; which, if you will recall, I have been concerned about regarding my own calling and anointing of God's since my fall; and His “table” has always spoke to me as a 'type' that referred to His provisioning for life as well as ministry, and fellowship with Him as well.
Then He moved me to read the preceding scriptures (Vss. 1-12). And when I did, I was gripped by how “..God was not well pleased, for they were over thrown in the wilderness.” I realized that I am here, in this wilderness, to grow in the grace and knowledge of God. To overcome through my faith, not become overcome. Or, as the scripture said:”over thrown.” So that kinda smacked me in the heart a bit too.
Where the real “one-two” came in at though was in verses 6-10. “ These things were our examples, to the intent ….”
1. I should not lust after evil things;hint: cigarettes.
2. Neither should I be an idolater; hint: cigarettes.
3. Neither should I commit fornication; hint: with my own fleshly lust. Again, cigarettes. Neither should I tempt Christ; hint: Doubting that He can heal my heart from that which was keeping me from receiving His saving/delivering grace. And
5. Neither should I murmur; hint: complain about the condition that I am in. In essence, not trusting God for all things; nor acknowledging Him in all of my ways. (
Proverbs 3:5-7 )
As a result of this time with God, and the grace which was given unto me, no doubt due to; hint: the effectual fervent prayers of the righteous. (Smile) As well the loving kindness and tender mercies of our Heavenly Father, I sense that I have been made every whit whole and am now ready to go forward and grow in the grace and knowledge of The Lord, Jesus Christ; and actually bloom in this 'wilderness'.
In closing, I wish to say that if you are reading this and feel, or are thinking:” That's nice to hear, but God wont be that merciful to me persons!” What He will do for one, He will do for all. God [is] love. So for Him not to, would be contrary to His very own character. And He is not a man that He should lie! Another thing is this; in my years of going astray, I returned to main-lining drugs, getting into fights-even race riots, I committed countless acts of fornication and adultery, I stole from God, I was a liar, a hypocrite, and an abomination unto The Lord. But God is not slack concerning His promises, as some men consider slackness; He does things in His time and in His way so as to make the maximum affect possible. After all, He does not want us to be repeating our foolishness. So, at the right time, in the right place, He will move heaven and earth to allow you to fall to the place where you are ready~really ready, to meet Him and receive His forgiveness and healing. Not to mention His love, mercy, and grace.
I also want to say that you are not alone. God has not forsaken you. He has placed many people across your path and into your life to help you wade through the muck and the mire of your rebellion. But you have to give Him your very best. After that, the rest is on Him. Don't hold back due to shame or fear of rejection. Pour your heart out~ for “The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite (crushed and repentant) spirit.” Psalms34:18
“ Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven,
whose sin is covered.
Blessed is the man unto whom The Lord imputeth not iniquity,
and in whose spirit there is no guile (deceit).
When I kept silence (and didn't confess my faults or sins to
anybody much less to God),
my bones waxed old through my roaring
(raging in my heart) all the day long.
For day and night Thy hand was upon me:
my moisture is turned into the drought of summer.
Selah (stop and think about this...)
I acknowledged my sin unto Thee (and faithful saints),
and mine iniquity have I not hid.
I said, 'I will confess my transgressions unto The Lord';
(and then I did it,)
and Thou (in Your loving kindness and tender mercy),
forgavest me of my sin!
Selah! ”
Psalms 32:1-5
Sincerely~
In Christ's Love,
by God's Grace;
Steven C. Owensby March 17, 2011
NOTE:
To help clarify or place deeper emphasis upon a scripture that I quoted I placed my words within the brackets “( )”. This was or is in no way intended to take away from or add to anything that God's word says or implies. I merely did so to help a readers' heart receive it easier. If you feel that I have done so in error, feel free to write and let me know where. Thank you.