Post by Steven C. Owensby on May 10, 2011 17:54:19 GMT -5
Wow, what can I say other than Praise the Lord for He is good and His mercy endures forever and reaches to the stars; even the depths of the deepest sea.
For the past day or so, I have been wrestling with some personal issues that have had me pretty down in the dumps. To start with, I am 1 1/2 months behind on rent and I just lost my position at a local factory (via a Temp. agency), and the prospects were not looking good. If I could not find a job then not only would I be homeless, but I would have to find my dogs a new home. And that was a terrifying thought.
I have had my 'big-dawg' since he was 5 weeks old, and he is now 6. And this past Fall, I got one of his puppies. A bouncy gold eyed red nose that just steals everyone's heart at first glance. And I lifted her out of her Mommas womb as she was born and bottle fed her since she was 2 weeks old. So the thought of losing these guys was really tearing me up inside.
Then Friday comes and I received 2 bills at the same time from the Electric Co., and one of which was a Cancallation Notice. I was fit to be tied. I don't get a bill for 2 months, and then they're goiong to hit me 2? And tell me that I had 4 days to come up with $163? These people did not know what I was going through, but the devil did. And he was having a field day with it!
Then Sunday, comes and I find myself getting angry at GOD for not taking away my smoking [again]. I have Phnemonia right now, and not only do I smoke cigarettes, but I have Bronchial Asthma as well. And breathing was a very difficult thing for me. And I felt in my heart that GOD should have mercy on me and again deliver from myself. I mean, He should remember that I am but dust, right? So why not!?!?!
Well, the truth be known, I was balling all of my frustration of the other issues into the cigarettes issue, and totally railing on Him in my heart. I was scared. And I was angry; at myself mostly. How could I allow this to happen to me again? I felt like I was being punished for past sins, and it was really wearing me down. Because I was a 'Prodigal' for quite some time. I was giving GOD the very best that I could, but maybe He did not think that it was enough?
Maybe I could not get back in His good graces agian? I mean, I had went way out there. Doing things that a Saint should not even think about. Illicit sexual relations. Violence. Drugs. Extra-marital afairs. Drinking. Even thoughts of murder had run through my mind on a few occasions. So I really could not blame Him if He did not want me back to 'full-status'; that is in the Ministry that he'd called and annointed me for.
Well, I was not going to give up. I had done that back in the mid-nineties, and that's how I had gotten to the state I was (still am) currently in. And when He brought me to my senses, and I was able to approach Him prayerfully to ask Him how this had happened; He said: "Because you gave up. You lost hope. And I'm here to tell you that hope NEVER fails!"
DUE TO TIME CONSTRAINTS, I NEED TO STOP HERE. BUT I WILL PICK IT BACK UP TOMORROW-GOD WILLING
Continued: Well that has 'stuck' in my heart like a tick to a hound ever since. And ever since then I have been of the
So, Monday morning rolls around. I have been up all night coughing my lunges out due to this phnemonia. So I was really getting frayed at the edges. I sent an SOS text out to every Saint I knew that I felt would actually intercede on my behalf...and be heard! I was as desperate as I can ever remember being in my life. I was literally despairing for life because I could not take two wheezing breathes without going into a hacking spell that just tore my head to pieces.
Well, it was not soon before the return texts came. Each sharing words of guidance and encouragement to:" Rest in Him!" However, I recieverd a call from a woman whom I did not know. But as it turned out, she was the GrandMother of one of the guys that I had texted, and she was a Born Again believer ...with experience in counselling with people whom had codendency issues, like I do. And we had talked for about an hour about how much God loves me and that He has not given up on me; therefore I should not give up.
Her words were so comforting and encouraging that I felt my heart being uplifted as each moment passed, and I found my faith being strengthened as well. Which was really what I was needing. And The Lord Jesus knew it. Naturally.
When all was said and done, I found that my 'problem' did not lie in my issue of smoking. It lied in the fact that Jesus was wanting me to draw closer to Him; to renew my intimacy with Him. He loves me so much. And I truly love Him. He is so wonderful. Wonderful in all His ways. Even when He rebukes or chastens!
My heart cries out for a deeper more intimate relationship with Him, but I am so deeply afraid of hurting Him again. At times I feel paralyzed.
For the past day or so, I have been wrestling with some personal issues that have had me pretty down in the dumps. To start with, I am 1 1/2 months behind on rent and I just lost my position at a local factory (via a Temp. agency), and the prospects were not looking good. If I could not find a job then not only would I be homeless, but I would have to find my dogs a new home. And that was a terrifying thought.
I have had my 'big-dawg' since he was 5 weeks old, and he is now 6. And this past Fall, I got one of his puppies. A bouncy gold eyed red nose that just steals everyone's heart at first glance. And I lifted her out of her Mommas womb as she was born and bottle fed her since she was 2 weeks old. So the thought of losing these guys was really tearing me up inside.
Then Friday comes and I received 2 bills at the same time from the Electric Co., and one of which was a Cancallation Notice. I was fit to be tied. I don't get a bill for 2 months, and then they're goiong to hit me 2? And tell me that I had 4 days to come up with $163? These people did not know what I was going through, but the devil did. And he was having a field day with it!
Then Sunday, comes and I find myself getting angry at GOD for not taking away my smoking [again]. I have Phnemonia right now, and not only do I smoke cigarettes, but I have Bronchial Asthma as well. And breathing was a very difficult thing for me. And I felt in my heart that GOD should have mercy on me and again deliver from myself. I mean, He should remember that I am but dust, right? So why not!?!?!
Well, the truth be known, I was balling all of my frustration of the other issues into the cigarettes issue, and totally railing on Him in my heart. I was scared. And I was angry; at myself mostly. How could I allow this to happen to me again? I felt like I was being punished for past sins, and it was really wearing me down. Because I was a 'Prodigal' for quite some time. I was giving GOD the very best that I could, but maybe He did not think that it was enough?
Maybe I could not get back in His good graces agian? I mean, I had went way out there. Doing things that a Saint should not even think about. Illicit sexual relations. Violence. Drugs. Extra-marital afairs. Drinking. Even thoughts of murder had run through my mind on a few occasions. So I really could not blame Him if He did not want me back to 'full-status'; that is in the Ministry that he'd called and annointed me for.
Well, I was not going to give up. I had done that back in the mid-nineties, and that's how I had gotten to the state I was (still am) currently in. And when He brought me to my senses, and I was able to approach Him prayerfully to ask Him how this had happened; He said: "Because you gave up. You lost hope. And I'm here to tell you that hope NEVER fails!"
DUE TO TIME CONSTRAINTS, I NEED TO STOP HERE. BUT I WILL PICK IT BACK UP TOMORROW-GOD WILLING
Continued: Well that has 'stuck' in my heart like a tick to a hound ever since. And ever since then I have been of the
So, Monday morning rolls around. I have been up all night coughing my lunges out due to this phnemonia. So I was really getting frayed at the edges. I sent an SOS text out to every Saint I knew that I felt would actually intercede on my behalf...and be heard! I was as desperate as I can ever remember being in my life. I was literally despairing for life because I could not take two wheezing breathes without going into a hacking spell that just tore my head to pieces.
Well, it was not soon before the return texts came. Each sharing words of guidance and encouragement to:" Rest in Him!" However, I recieverd a call from a woman whom I did not know. But as it turned out, she was the GrandMother of one of the guys that I had texted, and she was a Born Again believer ...with experience in counselling with people whom had codendency issues, like I do. And we had talked for about an hour about how much God loves me and that He has not given up on me; therefore I should not give up.
Her words were so comforting and encouraging that I felt my heart being uplifted as each moment passed, and I found my faith being strengthened as well. Which was really what I was needing. And The Lord Jesus knew it. Naturally.
When all was said and done, I found that my 'problem' did not lie in my issue of smoking. It lied in the fact that Jesus was wanting me to draw closer to Him; to renew my intimacy with Him. He loves me so much. And I truly love Him. He is so wonderful. Wonderful in all His ways. Even when He rebukes or chastens!
My heart cries out for a deeper more intimate relationship with Him, but I am so deeply afraid of hurting Him again. At times I feel paralyzed.